The Lake

by someone secret



It was so silent sitting out there by the lake. It pressed in on my ears, making me wish that I had had brought some music because all this silence wasn’t good for me right now. With nothing else to listen to I couldn’t distract myself from my thoughts. Despite my efforts to think about something else, about anything else, I couldn’t keep myself from imagining him sitting here with me, laughing and joking and talking till dark. I couldn’t keep myself from remembering all the moments we had together. Knowing that my best friend was dead was a truth that I hated admitting to myself. We had been friends for so long, ever since 2nd grade, when I broke my yellow crayon from coloring to hard and I asked him if I could borrow his. He gave it to me and said I could keep it. In the spirit of creativity, after I had finished my drawing I made a little thank you card and drew a big smiley face as the background. I gave it to him and he smiled. The next day he sat next to me at lunch.



Tears rolled down my cheeks and I could feel my face grow hot. How was I supposed to survive school without him? How was I supposed to face the bullies like we planned, without my best friend at my side? I lay down on the picnic table where we had spent so many days talking and joking, and curled my knees up to my chest letting the sobs rip from my chest.



My visions blurred to the point where I could not wipe the tears fast enough to see clearly, so I just gave up and let them fall, tickling my face as they trickled down my nose and across my cheeks falling silently to the ground below me. I don’t know how long I lay there, the silence being broken by my sobs. It must have been a while because it began to get dark but I didn’t dare move. I wanted to stay here until he had no choice but to come back to me, just so that he could take me home because otherwise I would surely allow myself to die of starvation. I only dreamed that the rustling in the woods was him, coming back from the dead to comfort me and tell me that it was all alright. That it was just a nightmare and nothing more. That he wasn’t dead and that he wasn’t going to leave me again. The smart thing to do would have been to sit up and be alert in case it was a stranger. But at this point I didn’t care. If someone saw me they would probably be way too scared to approach me anyways so I had nothing to worry about. Even if they were brave enough and approached me and then wanted something more, like my money or my life, I would gladly give it to them. A blur stepped out of the tree line and let out a deep gust of breath. It started towards me but upon hearing my no doubt vociferous, ripping sobs stopped, but continued toward me now saying, “Shh, shh, it’s okay.”



I sat upright and held out my hand, he stopped where he was. I wiped my eyes and looked at him. I must have bore quite a sight because the look of anguish on his face increased two folds. “What are you doing here?” I yelled at him. He seemed taken aback by that.



“I came here to make sure your okay,” he replied anxiously.

“Well I’m fine so leave!” I yelled back.

“What? Uh…I…I want to stay. I want to help you through this.” He looked at me through his clear blue eyes, tears beginning to make them glisten like the ocean. He took a step forward but I stood up and walked toward him, shoving him in the chest.

“Get out, get away from here! This is our place! Our place! So leave, now!” I pushed him with as much force as I could manage and he fell to the ground, tears rolling down his anguished face. I was fuming; the thought of anyone being here but me and Ryan hurt me deep. No one belonged here but the two of us. Jake and I had our own special place that was just ours, he didn’t have the right to come here and desecrate this spot. His face was a mask of compassion that shook me from my hatred, I wanted so badly to say I was sorry but the words couldn’t come out. I looked away from him and out to the lake. The sky was a deep purple now, the stars twinkled with delight and the moonlight cast down upon the restless lake whose waves were gently loping ashore. How could he leave me? How could he think I could survive without him? How could he possibly think that I could just get over him and live out my life with Jake as if he was only a friend that was lost to death? He was so much more, he was my best friend and sometimes I thought that he might be more. I loved him so much but the love I felt for him didn’t always seem to be friendship love, sometimes it felt like real true love. Right now, that’s the love I was feeling for him and it was breaking my heart. My heart was breaking, I could feel it, I could feel the crack beginning to form down the center and the pain was more than anything I had ever felt before. More than anyone had ever felt before. My knees shook and gave way, letting me fall down into the soft sand. I put my head in my hands and left out a long wail. The sobs shook me and all I could think was, “Ryan, I love you.” And “Ryan, please come back.” Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, each time his name was said I felt like the crack in my heart was getting deeper and deeper. I felt warm hands upon my shoulders and I shrugged them off.



He must have given up and gone back home, because when I looked up again a few minutes later, he was no where to be seen. I pulled my legs up to my chest and lay my forehead on my knees. The waves of pain and sorrow lashed like a leather whip at my heart, I let it all wash over me, pulling me under in its great wave.



I did not resurface.